I'm tired - Happy but really tired.

Today I'm gonna write about something that haunt me for a while now...

So this year I did a thing I've never done before: fly on a plane and goes out of Europe.
It might sounds crazy in regard of our modern lifestyle but yes, I've never left Europe before and always travelled by car or train. I must admit that plane was everything I was sure about: a pain in the ass, I hated it thank you. You have to be there so many hours BEFORE the flight - what a waste of time, of course I was  the problem child and all the security check you can imagine were for me, the wait in between planes is so looong as well and you have to redo all the fucking security checks... and then it's long once in flight. Long and boring. Yes they provide you movies to watch: all lame movies I would never think of watching in my whole life. So I read, but of course they puts you in the dark and you cannot read anymore without bothering everyone else, etc, etc. Then also there's the constant fear they lost your baggage. But that's not the point except that I will never ever take a plane if it's not to quit my continent and goes REALLY far. I loves train, thank you.

Except for the plane, the travel was wonderfull, everything I was dreaming off. I love the country I we went for so many years, I've always said that if I really had to take a plane it would be to goes there. And I finally did after wishing badly to go there for more than 15 years. The accomplishment of my life without a doubt, thank to my BF that paid the trip for me (us), really I'm gratefull. 

But that's still not the point.
The point is that - of course - I went with plastic horses to photographs. How could I even goes somewhere that far and exotic without models to photograph? Really I bought a hand luggage just for them and not having to puts them in the baggage hold and I got the hassle of my heavy camera in every security check just for that. 
And well... to be honest it lighted a fact that I already knew deep down inside me; I'm tired of constantly carrying heavy horses and camera everywhere I go. Yes I am. 
Somethimes I dream of visiting a place without all of this, with my shoulders free of weight and my back free of beeing confined. It's always a fight deep down in my heart: what if I goes without a plastic horse and see the perfect thing to photograph? how could I handle the frustration to miss something? But also if I goes with one and carries it all along and saw nothing, I would have endured all that hassle for nothing? And that's why, years after years (for more than 10 years now), I goes everywhere with thoses dawn plastic horses packed with me and yes - that's true - I never miss a fantastic shot but also, that's true as well that I does miles with them for nothing most of the time. 

And for what? Because yes, I know a lot of people sees my pictures, a lot of them likes them. I even sold a successfull calendar for the 3rd time in a row this year... so that's really, really positive and rewarding. 
But in reality for what? For my pictures to be seen on various screens that are probably not balanced... and probably doesn't show them properly... in a world where image consumption is really high, where they are seen and forgotten almost as quick, where they are stolen and reposted without my consent & knowledge and even worst now, feeding to AI against my will... etc, etc. 

I'm sorry for that long rant, I hope you wouldn't mind or at least comprehend.
I've always been kind of "old fashionned" and the more the world is evolving, the more it shows. So well, I'm unsure on HOW I will share my new pictures, at least the ones from my recent fabulous trip. I think of releasing a small artbook with pictures from the trip, modelhorse pictures and anecdotes/equine anecdotes at least... something done with the heart to truly honours the journey and effort puts into it.
What do you think about that?
I don't want to let off the "free of access" part of my work, but also, I really need to find a compromise in between my recent efforts and the wish to truly shows my work in it's best light.
Thank you for reading 💗